When I can't sleep, it is usually because A. I'm too exhausted to sleep (doesn't make much sense but it is true) B. I have too much on my mind.
Which is it tonight? I'll be honest...it's a little bit of both.
Typically, depending on what I have to do the next day, I try my best to just lay in bed and close my eyes and try to will myself to go to sleep.
"Self" I say "You have a big day tomorrow...you know you are not going to be happy in the morning if you don't get some sleep."
Unfortunately, self doesn't always listen :) .
Other times, I'll just stay up and do nothing. This is weird for me. When I have free time, especially late at night, I don't always know what to do with myself. I tend to think too much which adds to the sleeplessness. Tonight, I am thinking a lot. Yes, tonight I have a lot on my mind.
Am I sad? Well, not really. I find myself really content with where I am in life lately, and I think if things had stayed the same, I wouldn't feel the same peace that I feel right now. I think I can best describe it as an unwillingness. It is an unwillingness to feel the things that I feel and to entertain the thoughts that I'm entertaining.
Sometimes I find myself reliving the events of the past year as if I had nothing better to do than just dwell on these things. I think on them and twirl them around in my mind until my head aches. And I ask questions. What could I have done differently? Will I ever feel normal again? Will I get the chance to do things differently or did I waste my chance at love? Will these bad memories ever quit popping up and torturing me? And the list goes on...
I have never been one of those people that thought that there is one person out there that you are meant to be with. I believe that love grows, and I believe that there are many people out there that if the Lord allows it to be so, then it can be.
But doesn't it feel like when you reach a certain age that if you have let love slip out of your grasp that it might never come back? There it is... there's the dilemma. Love might never come back. I might never have new feelings and new memories to replace these old bad ones. There they are right in front of you folks, my fears.
In the course of one year, I have gone from being fairly near being engaged to being broken up to having no contact whatsoever with the person whom I thought would be the person I would marry. And, surprisingly, I am ok. I did the right thing and I did what I had to do for God, for him, and for me.
Most days I am grateful to be out of the situation I was in which was unhealthy to me spiritually, emotionally, and physically. Most days I seek out the comfort that comes from knowing that God has promised me good things. But tonight, in my little room by myself I sit and relive all of the bad memories from the past couple of years. I relive the pain and the tears, and I am upset that I still think about these things. It is almost as if I cannot control the thoughts, they just come.
I am unwilling to feel these things because I want to let my light shine. And, I want to be a good example of how Christ can bring you through any sin and any hurt and how He shepherds us into a recovery period.
Parts of my future are pretty set out ahead of me. In 1 year I will be a doctor and I'll be beginning my residency. I even know that I want to be a Family Medicine physician (that's new too :) ). But, one thing this year has taken out of me that I fight so hard every day to get back is true hope for the future for something I've wanted in my life longer than I've wanted to be a doctor: to love a little family of my own.
I have reached acceptance about what was. Now, the harder part I think is being at peace about the things that may or may not come, and maybe the reason I'm not at peace because I haven't let go of that part of my life yet. But because I am a His child, I know that peace will come if I stay near to Him. That is the other part...staying near to Him when I'm being pulled in a million other different directions.
It's been a long time since I've written in this blog, and as you can see many things have changed, but don't misunderstand...just because they were sad changes, it doesn't mean that they were bad changes. And every day it hurts a little less. And, oh, how I have been blessed this year! So I guess I'll end this blog by saying that if you are reading this, to pray for God to help me through the bad memories and the doubt.
XOXO
Lindsay
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Lately
So, as I was "studying" for my upcoming exam just a moment ago (*cough* facebook *cough*), I suddenly realized that it has been quite a few months since I have written a blog. So, here you go...my life...Lately.
Weight Loss
So I wanted to update you guys on my weight loss journey that began almost 6 months ago now. It has been a slow, up hill battle. However, I am proud to say that I've managed to as of a few weeks ago lose 27 lbs and maintain that. Hopefully by Tuesday I will get the good news that I have lost even more. My hope is that by the time I begin clinicals in early May, I will have lost 45 lbs. So, please keep me in your prayers. I have been struggling with my weight for years, and for the first time in a long time I'm starting to be okay with the way I look again. My total goal is at least 75 pounds. 85 would be great.
You know, I don't feel that I'm shallow, but I do believe that how you look affects the way that people perceive you, and it definitely affects the way you feel about yourself. I have always been a "big girl" and for once...I wanna be the average girl. I want to be just "pretty" and not the girl with the "pretty face." Everyone knows what it means when people tell you you have a pretty face that it really means the rest of you could use some work. That being said, I do feel a lot of pressure because I am in a field where most people are very health conscious and thin and take really good care of their bodies. I am working toward that, but I still feel like I have a really long way to go.
The Fam
So, my family has undergone a lot of changes in the past few months. We moved from the house I grew up in to a new house in Athens. That was a very hard transition. I really miss it. But, I think it was for the best. We spent so many years there, making it our own. We added on 3 rooms over the years and added countless things to it, etc. So many memories, and I hate to think that it was taken from us and we didn't willingly give it up. But, there's a reason for everything, and it all happens for a reason.
Jonathan, my twin brother, left for Afghanistan in mid-January. It's been pretty hard on my family because this is his 2nd tour of duty, and it seems like the Marines are always on the front lines.
Colton left for Marine Basic Training on the 13th of February. I still see him as a little boy that I used to help take care of. It's so weird, and mama is taking it pretty hard so keep her in your prayers. I'm pretty sure she feels like she is losing us.
School
So, In about a week and a half, I will be pretty much done for all intents and purposes with the non-clinical part of medical school. Yes! The only thing holding me back from being excited is the fact that I have to pass boards, and let's be honest. I'm REALLY nervous. So, keep me in your prayers. It's going to be a really difficult time (these next 2 months) and I may not be back home a lot. It's pretty much going to be non-stop studying, and even then, it may not be enough. I guess I'm just gonna have to have faith. But, I am SO excited to begin clinicals. It starts with surgery and I can't wait....even if it does involve me staying up all night. I just know it's gonna be fun. And, I can't wait to move back home to Huntsville so I can be with my Mikey an and my family and my besties. I'm looking forward to the new apt. with Rachel too. It should be a pretty cool set-up. However, there are a lot of things I will miss here as well: Marie, my best bud from med school- I dunno what I'll do without her, Rebecca- my roommate and awesomely fantastic friend and confidant, Homewood, O'Henry's Coffee House, UAB's awesome fitness center,the shopping. But, the good thing is that it's all only an hour away.
Faith
In January, I had the opportunity to attend, Family Vacation. It was an opportunity for myself and other college/young-professional aged people to go and grow in their faith and learn more about God and his infinite love for us
"And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is."-Ephesians 3: 18
It was such a great experience. There were so many people baptized and it was just incredible to see how many people were reached by His word. Including myself. I made memories there with some of my sisters in Christ that I would not trade for the world.
Sometimes I have a hard time describing to others why I have the faith that I have in God. But, I will continue to try to find a way. I'm not sure in what way some of my non-Christian friends perceive me: "Oh that's Lindsay, she's a Christian, and she's pretty sweet so I guess that's ok with me." or "Oh, she's Lindsay, I secretly think that what she believes is pretty dumb and I hope she never brings it up to me." So, I hate this about myself, but I hesitate to bring it up, even though I wish more than anything that my friends would know the kind of hope that I have in Jesus Christ, or at least that they would be open to learning about it.
I have also started a new daily bible reading plan...I am determined to see this through even though I am already running behind. Here is the link for those that are interested:
http://www.christiananswers.net/q-eden/biblereading-1yr.html
This plan is very ideal for me because I like to switch it up and so the day to day variation is ideal. I always start trying to read the bible cover-to-cover and then mid-way through exodus, my attention span is waning...so here goes, we'll give this a try.
"Lord, I know I need to equip myself with your teachings"
Mikey
Valuable ... He is so valuable to me. He is always there. I am writing this because I am sure I don't tell him enough how valuable he is to me.
If you told me 3 years ago that I would be with this guy and that we would have what we have together I probably would have told you you were wrong. But, sometimes you get what you need and realize subsequently that it is what you wanted all along.
I could never ask for a more understanding, kind, loving, special, handsome, hard-working man, and I am so proud of him because he sticks with me even when times get hard. He sticks with me even when I don't deserve it, and he wants to treat me right and he wants me to have good things i my life.
My hope is that I am all these things to him. My hope is that I can be more.
Anyway, I'm gonna wrap it up because it is getting late but just wanted to share some things with you going on in my life and in my heart. God bless and much love.
Lindsay
Weight Loss
So I wanted to update you guys on my weight loss journey that began almost 6 months ago now. It has been a slow, up hill battle. However, I am proud to say that I've managed to as of a few weeks ago lose 27 lbs and maintain that. Hopefully by Tuesday I will get the good news that I have lost even more. My hope is that by the time I begin clinicals in early May, I will have lost 45 lbs. So, please keep me in your prayers. I have been struggling with my weight for years, and for the first time in a long time I'm starting to be okay with the way I look again. My total goal is at least 75 pounds. 85 would be great.
You know, I don't feel that I'm shallow, but I do believe that how you look affects the way that people perceive you, and it definitely affects the way you feel about yourself. I have always been a "big girl" and for once...I wanna be the average girl. I want to be just "pretty" and not the girl with the "pretty face." Everyone knows what it means when people tell you you have a pretty face that it really means the rest of you could use some work. That being said, I do feel a lot of pressure because I am in a field where most people are very health conscious and thin and take really good care of their bodies. I am working toward that, but I still feel like I have a really long way to go.
The Fam
So, my family has undergone a lot of changes in the past few months. We moved from the house I grew up in to a new house in Athens. That was a very hard transition. I really miss it. But, I think it was for the best. We spent so many years there, making it our own. We added on 3 rooms over the years and added countless things to it, etc. So many memories, and I hate to think that it was taken from us and we didn't willingly give it up. But, there's a reason for everything, and it all happens for a reason.
Jonathan, my twin brother, left for Afghanistan in mid-January. It's been pretty hard on my family because this is his 2nd tour of duty, and it seems like the Marines are always on the front lines.
Colton left for Marine Basic Training on the 13th of February. I still see him as a little boy that I used to help take care of. It's so weird, and mama is taking it pretty hard so keep her in your prayers. I'm pretty sure she feels like she is losing us.
School
So, In about a week and a half, I will be pretty much done for all intents and purposes with the non-clinical part of medical school. Yes! The only thing holding me back from being excited is the fact that I have to pass boards, and let's be honest. I'm REALLY nervous. So, keep me in your prayers. It's going to be a really difficult time (these next 2 months) and I may not be back home a lot. It's pretty much going to be non-stop studying, and even then, it may not be enough. I guess I'm just gonna have to have faith. But, I am SO excited to begin clinicals. It starts with surgery and I can't wait....even if it does involve me staying up all night. I just know it's gonna be fun. And, I can't wait to move back home to Huntsville so I can be with my Mikey an and my family and my besties. I'm looking forward to the new apt. with Rachel too. It should be a pretty cool set-up. However, there are a lot of things I will miss here as well: Marie, my best bud from med school- I dunno what I'll do without her, Rebecca- my roommate and awesomely fantastic friend and confidant, Homewood, O'Henry's Coffee House, UAB's awesome fitness center,the shopping. But, the good thing is that it's all only an hour away.
Faith
In January, I had the opportunity to attend, Family Vacation. It was an opportunity for myself and other college/young-professional aged people to go and grow in their faith and learn more about God and his infinite love for us
"And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is."-Ephesians 3: 18
It was such a great experience. There were so many people baptized and it was just incredible to see how many people were reached by His word. Including myself. I made memories there with some of my sisters in Christ that I would not trade for the world.
Sometimes I have a hard time describing to others why I have the faith that I have in God. But, I will continue to try to find a way. I'm not sure in what way some of my non-Christian friends perceive me: "Oh that's Lindsay, she's a Christian, and she's pretty sweet so I guess that's ok with me." or "Oh, she's Lindsay, I secretly think that what she believes is pretty dumb and I hope she never brings it up to me." So, I hate this about myself, but I hesitate to bring it up, even though I wish more than anything that my friends would know the kind of hope that I have in Jesus Christ, or at least that they would be open to learning about it.
I have also started a new daily bible reading plan...I am determined to see this through even though I am already running behind. Here is the link for those that are interested:
http://www.christiananswers.net/q-eden/biblereading-1yr.html
This plan is very ideal for me because I like to switch it up and so the day to day variation is ideal. I always start trying to read the bible cover-to-cover and then mid-way through exodus, my attention span is waning...so here goes, we'll give this a try.
"Lord, I know I need to equip myself with your teachings"
Mikey
Valuable ... He is so valuable to me. He is always there. I am writing this because I am sure I don't tell him enough how valuable he is to me.
If you told me 3 years ago that I would be with this guy and that we would have what we have together I probably would have told you you were wrong. But, sometimes you get what you need and realize subsequently that it is what you wanted all along.
I could never ask for a more understanding, kind, loving, special, handsome, hard-working man, and I am so proud of him because he sticks with me even when times get hard. He sticks with me even when I don't deserve it, and he wants to treat me right and he wants me to have good things i my life.
My hope is that I am all these things to him. My hope is that I can be more.
Anyway, I'm gonna wrap it up because it is getting late but just wanted to share some things with you going on in my life and in my heart. God bless and much love.
Lindsay
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
To Do List
So, on Facebook my status says that I am supposed to be studying for a test, and indeed I am.
However ,I want to take a few minutes and jot down some thoughts and get a few people's opinions.
I think it is a well established fact by now that I am in medical school and that I have no time to do anything. But, the only problem with that is that there are still things that I have to do, need to do, and want to do besides school. I was thinking about that this week when it was brought to my attention that I may be lacking in one or more of these areas.
While I think everyone understands, ultimately it is my responsibility to make sure that I do the things that are important. Not only for myself but for the people I love, and so that I can have a home in heaven someday.
So, that being said, here is my to do list, i.e., things I need to be working on, things I need to do:
1. Call Granny (and other family members) at least once every other day...she's not in good health and I want to spend as much time as possible with her before she goes home
2. Visit my dad's side of the family more often (it's not that I haven't wanted to, it's just a time and location issue)
3. Form closer bonds with Michael's family
4. Read the bible every day (I am trying to make it all the way through by May...So far I'm only on Exodus 12)...yeah, fail. I did read through psalms, proverbs, song of solomon and Ecclesiastes this summer though
5. Stay off of facebook.
6. Prayer...I do quite a bit of this on the go, but I need pure, undisturbed, just me and God time....to worship Him and put Him first.
7. Lose at least 50 more pounds by May. and hopefully have met my goal (90 pounds by next Fall), now it may or may not go like this...depending on how my body has decided to cooperate. I'll tell you, the first 20 pounds have been slower than I thought.
8. Stay in touch with new and old friends.
You see, all of these things should not be that difficult right? Well, when you barely have time to sleep AS IT IS...they are more of a burden than they should be.
So help me out....how do you guys stay focused on what you need to do and incorporate it into your schedules...
I don't want to let my life pass me by. School is not the most important thing...God is and people are....so how do I be all that I know I need to be? How do I...do it all?
However ,I want to take a few minutes and jot down some thoughts and get a few people's opinions.
I think it is a well established fact by now that I am in medical school and that I have no time to do anything. But, the only problem with that is that there are still things that I have to do, need to do, and want to do besides school. I was thinking about that this week when it was brought to my attention that I may be lacking in one or more of these areas.
While I think everyone understands, ultimately it is my responsibility to make sure that I do the things that are important. Not only for myself but for the people I love, and so that I can have a home in heaven someday.
So, that being said, here is my to do list, i.e., things I need to be working on, things I need to do:
1. Call Granny (and other family members) at least once every other day...she's not in good health and I want to spend as much time as possible with her before she goes home
2. Visit my dad's side of the family more often (it's not that I haven't wanted to, it's just a time and location issue)
3. Form closer bonds with Michael's family
4. Read the bible every day (I am trying to make it all the way through by May...So far I'm only on Exodus 12)...yeah, fail. I did read through psalms, proverbs, song of solomon and Ecclesiastes this summer though
5. Stay off of facebook.
6. Prayer...I do quite a bit of this on the go, but I need pure, undisturbed, just me and God time....to worship Him and put Him first.
7. Lose at least 50 more pounds by May. and hopefully have met my goal (90 pounds by next Fall), now it may or may not go like this...depending on how my body has decided to cooperate. I'll tell you, the first 20 pounds have been slower than I thought.
8. Stay in touch with new and old friends.
You see, all of these things should not be that difficult right? Well, when you barely have time to sleep AS IT IS...they are more of a burden than they should be.
So help me out....how do you guys stay focused on what you need to do and incorporate it into your schedules...
I don't want to let my life pass me by. School is not the most important thing...God is and people are....so how do I be all that I know I need to be? How do I...do it all?
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