Recently

Hello out there Blog world.  I though I should update this thing since I haven't in a while.  I would love to have time to every day.  I'm not the kind of person to always jump on the band wagon, but I can see why so many people do this.  It is very therapeutic.  
So I finished my first year of medical school!  I have never been so happy to finish anything maybe!  Not just because it had become a real struggle and I needed a break but also because I have that assurance that I passed.  That I did it (with God's help of course) and I don't have to look back upon the year with regret.  And you know what, even though I didn't do as well as I would have hoped...I'm not going to look back with regret on this year at all!
It is so nice to have a break.  I won't lie...I feel like that there are maybe only 60 days or so a year that I can live a normal life, and summer is one of them.  I know that someday the kind of pace that I keep up the rest of the 305 days will become normal because it is what I will be used to, but until then...these breaks are definitely what keeps me going.   Even though this past year has taken its toll on me and there are things that I'm dealing with from it....kind of a left-over stress if you will...I'm feeling rested and a little more ready to face the coming days and it has only been 2 weeks since my break began. 
My days have been going a little something like this:  wake up and around 7 or 7:30.  Go downtown to do my research til around 5.  Come home.  Veg out on the couch for another 5 hours or so and then pass out.  :)  I NEVER get to do this during the year.  Don't get me wrong...I plan on adding things into that schedule such as working out and working on some personal projects of mine.  However...I'm in no hurry right now.  There are a lot of things I need to consider right now...and I'm taking my time. 
About Research...I'm REALLY enjoying it.  I'm enjoying it a lot more than I ever thought I would.  I had less than optimal experiences with research in the past so I tried not to get my hopes up in that area.  However, the research that I'm doing now is fascinating.  Here is the really short version of what it's about.  T cells are immune cells in our bodies that help fight off infection.  The HIV virus affects your T-cells causing them to attack your own body  (autoimmune disease).  There are a subset of these T-cells that are supposed to keep your body from attacking itself that are affected by HIV called Tregs (or T-regulatory cells).  I am doing research on the part of the Tregs that are potentially changed by HIV leading to disease. 
I'm sure that most of you will skip right over that last part.  I see most peoples eyes glaze over when I start to talk about anything scientific these days.  It's okay though.  I truly do understand.  This is in part why I have begun watching T.V. because I want to have something else to talk about other than medical school.  Other than Science. 
In other news, I am just having fun hanging out with Michael and doing things with him and my family and my friends.  I look forward to more of that this summer.  This past Sunday, Michael and I went to a Jazz Festival here in Hoover.  We both enjoyed it but need to be more prepared next time because it was SO hot outside.  I enjoyed being with him mostly especially since I always feel that our times together are too brief. 
Lately, my times with Michael have been very educational.  What I mean by this is that I am learning a lot about myself.  I am learning a lot about my imperfections.  What is it about a relationship that brings out the best and worst parts of us?  For instance, my love for Michael prompted me to buy tickets to this Jazz festival because I know he is a huge fan; however, when things didn't go exactly like I thought they would this weekend, I got upset.  Best part:  I love deeply.  Worst part:  I am a perfectionist and am used to getting things my way. 
I have so much to learn.  But, there's no one I would rather learn it with...
I haven't blogged much about Michael, but I would just like to go on record as saying that he is pretty amazing.  In all ways.  And, not just because he puts up with me  but just because he is.  I know that God has big plans for him. 
Anywho, I don't have very much time to continue writing, but I am excited to see the types of things this summer will hold.  More information to come...

Teach me

Teach me, Father how to deal with this life with more grace.  Give me the wisdom to help others and to know what to say in hard times.  Sometimes I feel so helpless.  Oh hope and belief you are good ideas but you're so hard to come by. So I'll just keep believing in you...looking for you...and maybe I can help someone see it too.  He's faithful to us, but we are so unfaithful to him.  "Lord I believe, but help my unbelief... (Mark 9:24)"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K896uvFHoYY

"Morning by morning,
I wake up to find,
The power and comfort
Of God's hand in mine.
Season by season,
I watch him amazed.
In all of the mystery of his perfect ways.
All I have need of,
His hand will provide,
He's always been faithful to me.
This is my anthem
This is my song.
The theme of the story,
I've heard for so long. 
God has been faithful.  He will be again.

His loving compassion, it knows no end.

All I have need of, His hand will provide.

He's always been faithful to me
-Sarah Groves


 

Today

Today has been hard.  Today I am aware of my weaknesses.  Today,  I am pulling from nothing it seems.  Part of this is because I'm just exhausted.  I'm having to force myself to keep going.  I think a lot of people feel this way right now. 

But I know I can do it. 

I'm finding that just to keep going I have to keep reminding myself why I am here and what's at stake if I don't keep going.  Should it be that way with something you love?  I don't know, but maybe in this case it is.  Maybe in this case, it's just that hard. 

I've been sitting on my couch for a few hours...

I'm trying to figure out how to get the will to keep pushing myself to do something I would maybe rather have 7 teeth pulled than do.  There are OSCE's to consider and lectures from Friday and Monday and Today (If I'm ambitious) to consider. There's laundry to be done and assignments to be read.  And, I've been sitting here, feeling guilty because I know I'm not doing what I need to do.  I don't mean to sound ungrateful.  I have an opportunity that most people don't get.  I am very grateful, but as I said before, I am tired.  I've been pushing hard for the past 5 years, maybe even longer than that and it is starting to catch up with me.  Every part of me is just crying out to be set free. 
I don't know what this means...

Does it mean that I am better suited to do something else?  Does it mean that I should have chosen something a little bit easier?  I find that I just want to sit.  I just want to sit and do nothing.  I want to watch T.V. and I haven't really cared about watching T.V. in years.  But I can't.  I can't give in to it. 

I find myself becoming pretty depressed because I feel like I just can't balance at all...

I think people that I love and cherish are beginning to not understand why I'm so stressed out.  The thing is...I know they are right.  There really is no point in being too stressed out.  What does it help?  But I am.  And because I am, I feel that in some way I am failing in all the ways that matter.  And, I find myself hoping that I do not appear as self-centered as I feel. But, I think I do.  I find myself nit picking and wanting to be in control in situations where I shouldn't be....in my relationship with Michael, with friends.  Truth is though,  I don't feel in control of anything and that's why it's so upsetting. I am so stressed out that I can't really be there for the people I love in the way that I want to, and this brings even more stress.  Do you ever have those moments where your whole life just feels like conflict? I feel that way now. 

I want to take care of people...

But how to take care of me?  That's a completely different question altogether. 

Precious Jesus, please hold me in your arms right now.

"  Come unto me all you who are burdened and weary and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn for me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls; for my yoke is easy and my burden is light."  - Matthew 11: 30