Today

Today has been hard.  Today I am aware of my weaknesses.  Today,  I am pulling from nothing it seems.  Part of this is because I'm just exhausted.  I'm having to force myself to keep going.  I think a lot of people feel this way right now. 

But I know I can do it. 

I'm finding that just to keep going I have to keep reminding myself why I am here and what's at stake if I don't keep going.  Should it be that way with something you love?  I don't know, but maybe in this case it is.  Maybe in this case, it's just that hard. 

I've been sitting on my couch for a few hours...

I'm trying to figure out how to get the will to keep pushing myself to do something I would maybe rather have 7 teeth pulled than do.  There are OSCE's to consider and lectures from Friday and Monday and Today (If I'm ambitious) to consider. There's laundry to be done and assignments to be read.  And, I've been sitting here, feeling guilty because I know I'm not doing what I need to do.  I don't mean to sound ungrateful.  I have an opportunity that most people don't get.  I am very grateful, but as I said before, I am tired.  I've been pushing hard for the past 5 years, maybe even longer than that and it is starting to catch up with me.  Every part of me is just crying out to be set free. 
I don't know what this means...

Does it mean that I am better suited to do something else?  Does it mean that I should have chosen something a little bit easier?  I find that I just want to sit.  I just want to sit and do nothing.  I want to watch T.V. and I haven't really cared about watching T.V. in years.  But I can't.  I can't give in to it. 

I find myself becoming pretty depressed because I feel like I just can't balance at all...

I think people that I love and cherish are beginning to not understand why I'm so stressed out.  The thing is...I know they are right.  There really is no point in being too stressed out.  What does it help?  But I am.  And because I am, I feel that in some way I am failing in all the ways that matter.  And, I find myself hoping that I do not appear as self-centered as I feel. But, I think I do.  I find myself nit picking and wanting to be in control in situations where I shouldn't be....in my relationship with Michael, with friends.  Truth is though,  I don't feel in control of anything and that's why it's so upsetting. I am so stressed out that I can't really be there for the people I love in the way that I want to, and this brings even more stress.  Do you ever have those moments where your whole life just feels like conflict? I feel that way now. 

I want to take care of people...

But how to take care of me?  That's a completely different question altogether. 

Precious Jesus, please hold me in your arms right now.

"  Come unto me all you who are burdened and weary and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn for me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls; for my yoke is easy and my burden is light."  - Matthew 11: 30