Restless

Sometimes I wonder why the desire has been put into my heart to become a doctor.  And, sometimes I also wonder if the idea is from God or if it was my own creation.  I have always tried to follow God's plan for my life, and I have always prayed for the strongest dreams I have...so I presume, if they come true that they are from God, but I digress. 

Keeping me Humble

Maybe this is supposed to keep me humble.  I tell ya, I struggle.  The past year has been difficult and wonderful all at the same time.  I have been at my highest and at my lowest.  I have struggled with knowing who I am in the midst of it all. I have experienced what it is like to go from the top of the ladder to the bottom. I went into medical school with the understanding that it would indeed be a struggle for me, but I guess I didn't understand how hard I would have to continue to fight...mentally, emotionally...in every way.  So, maybe one purpose is to keep me humble....to keep me on my praying knees.  Because let me tell you, I've been on them a lot...especially lately.

Precious Father what is your plan for me in this?  I guess when I got accepted I saw it as an end to a battle I had been fighting for years, but it turns out that the war has just begun.  Would I do something else if I could, no I don't think so.   What's more, I don't think I'm meant to do anything else. 

I guess I'm thinking about these things because lately it's harder for me to make myself keep going.  I'm at that all to familiar crossroads... between fearing failure enough to force myself to keep going, keep studying and just calling it a day.  I realize that every other medical school student out there probably feels this way...I just thought I would write about it today.  It's a difficult thing to comprehend for most people.  Even me.  Why am I miserable but content at the same time?  

Keeping me Genuine...Keeping me Good. 





I think this is another very real reason why I'm here.  God knew that medicine would get to me in my center in my core.  He knew that my heart would be pierced and bleed for the people who will someday be my patients.  I can't explain it.   I don't even know how to try to.  I just know that I'm happiest when it isn't about me...Me, I'm frustrating and too imperfect.  But when it's about others, life becomes something more beautiful. 

Keeping Me Guessing

I can just hear HIM saying, "So you think you have it all figured out?  Guess again..  You thought you were gonna be awesome at this right away...well guess again. Girlfriend, you are giving yourself too much credit." 
I guess this could fall under the humble category too.  Right now everything in my life feels foreign from the things I learn to the place I live to the people that I work with and worship with.  Changes.  Changes all around me, and I try to be comfortable with, but I'm not as strong as I thought.  In fact,  most of the time I'm fighting of homesickness.  Go figure?  I couldn't wait to get here.  Now I can't wait to go back.  I don't understand myself. 

Anywho,   I guess the list could go on, and I continue to hypothesize about the reasons for the biggest and most current frustration in my life a.k.a. med school.  Or, I could do what I'm supposed to be doing...study.  And, that's what I'll do.  Because at the end of the day...this is still my dream even when I don't understand why.