Restless

Sometimes I wonder why the desire has been put into my heart to become a doctor.  And, sometimes I also wonder if the idea is from God or if it was my own creation.  I have always tried to follow God's plan for my life, and I have always prayed for the strongest dreams I have...so I presume, if they come true that they are from God, but I digress. 

Keeping me Humble

Maybe this is supposed to keep me humble.  I tell ya, I struggle.  The past year has been difficult and wonderful all at the same time.  I have been at my highest and at my lowest.  I have struggled with knowing who I am in the midst of it all. I have experienced what it is like to go from the top of the ladder to the bottom. I went into medical school with the understanding that it would indeed be a struggle for me, but I guess I didn't understand how hard I would have to continue to fight...mentally, emotionally...in every way.  So, maybe one purpose is to keep me humble....to keep me on my praying knees.  Because let me tell you, I've been on them a lot...especially lately.

Precious Father what is your plan for me in this?  I guess when I got accepted I saw it as an end to a battle I had been fighting for years, but it turns out that the war has just begun.  Would I do something else if I could, no I don't think so.   What's more, I don't think I'm meant to do anything else. 

I guess I'm thinking about these things because lately it's harder for me to make myself keep going.  I'm at that all to familiar crossroads... between fearing failure enough to force myself to keep going, keep studying and just calling it a day.  I realize that every other medical school student out there probably feels this way...I just thought I would write about it today.  It's a difficult thing to comprehend for most people.  Even me.  Why am I miserable but content at the same time?  

Keeping me Genuine...Keeping me Good. 





I think this is another very real reason why I'm here.  God knew that medicine would get to me in my center in my core.  He knew that my heart would be pierced and bleed for the people who will someday be my patients.  I can't explain it.   I don't even know how to try to.  I just know that I'm happiest when it isn't about me...Me, I'm frustrating and too imperfect.  But when it's about others, life becomes something more beautiful. 

Keeping Me Guessing

I can just hear HIM saying, "So you think you have it all figured out?  Guess again..  You thought you were gonna be awesome at this right away...well guess again. Girlfriend, you are giving yourself too much credit." 
I guess this could fall under the humble category too.  Right now everything in my life feels foreign from the things I learn to the place I live to the people that I work with and worship with.  Changes.  Changes all around me, and I try to be comfortable with, but I'm not as strong as I thought.  In fact,  most of the time I'm fighting of homesickness.  Go figure?  I couldn't wait to get here.  Now I can't wait to go back.  I don't understand myself. 

Anywho,   I guess the list could go on, and I continue to hypothesize about the reasons for the biggest and most current frustration in my life a.k.a. med school.  Or, I could do what I'm supposed to be doing...study.  And, that's what I'll do.  Because at the end of the day...this is still my dream even when I don't understand why.

Breaking the Heart of God

I am a fortunate person in many ways... the least of such ways is that I am lucky enough to be a part of 2...no make that 3... church families. This past Sunday, I attended church at the place where I grew up- my home church, Sandlin Road Church of Christ.  It is a precious place with precious people whom I know will always love me no matter what.  Wonderful...

This week we had a guest speaker and he talked about the book of Hosea. Unfortunately, I haven't studied much of the "minor prophets" as they are called.  But, I found his talk on this book to be fascinating and quite sobering.  Hosea tells the story about-you guessed it- a man named Hosea and his love for a woman named Gomer. Like the children of Israel turned away from God in the old testament, so did Gomer turn from Hosea.  The speaker talked about how God's love for His people are paralleled in this book to Hosea's love for Gomer. Hosea's love for Gomer was an unrequited one, for she never understood his love and ran from his love.  Do I understand God's love?  No.  Do I run from God's love?  Probably, yes. 

The way it was explained is that throughout this time there has been this war with God between righteousness and love. God spent his time chasing after a people who did not love him in return.

He's still chasing us. And guess what, I think most of us come very short of returning that love...I know I do. 

Then the LORD said, "Call him Lo-Ammi, ^[c] for you are not my people, and I am not your God.-Hosea 1:8.


The above verse speaks of the birth of Hosea's and Gomer's son.  God's anger toward the people he created in many places in the bible, and Hosea is no exception.  But, in this very same book:
I will betroth you to me forever;
       I will betroth you in ^[d] righteousness and justice,
       in ^[e] love and compassion.

 ²⁰ I will betroth you in faithfulness,
       and you will acknowledge the LORD.-Hosea 2:19-20

It seems like God cannot make up His mind in this book.  He wants to destroy them...he doesn't want to destroy them?  What gives?...LOVE GIVES.

You see, this was the whole point of our speaker's lesson on Sunday.  With God, love has always been our saving grace.  And, by reading this book it should be apparent that God wasn't angry at people for breaking the law.  He was angry at them for breaking His heart.  

  

This talk...well, it hit home.  It took me back to all too familiar places.  Places with hurt so deep I chose a long time ago to just try and put it behind me.  A place where feelings were not returned...where acts of love went unnoticed.  Where trust and promises were broken.   Oh, how it hurt.  I felt Betrayed. Broken.  Mis-Understood. Under-estimated. 

Is this what God feels?  It makes me shiver to think that I could make my precious Lord hurt over me....a pathetic excuse for a person at times. My heart breaks at this thought.  It should.  I deserve it.  The sin that I take too lightly too many times is an arrow that pierces the heart of God.  And he feels maybe just like I felt when I was betrayed by someone I once loved.  The difference...HE STILL LOVES ME. 

 How?  I don't understand.  I don't understand because Sunday I realized maybe more than I ever have before that I keep running from God and he keeps chasing me.  I turn to Him and then everything is okay again and then I go back to doing what I did before.  And it continues.  Sin continues. But I am still loved. Lord, thank you for your Grace!  Grace that has a name, Jesus Christ!  I shudder to think about where I would be without it.