Wednesday, October 13, 2010

To Do List

So, on Facebook my status says that I am supposed to be studying for a test, and indeed I am.
However ,I want to take a few minutes and jot down some thoughts and get a few people's opinions. 

I think it is a well established fact by now that I am in medical school and that I have no time to do anything.  But, the only problem with that is that there are still things that I have to do, need to do, and want to do besides school.  I was thinking about that this week when it was brought to my attention that I may be lacking in one or more of these areas.  

While I think everyone understands, ultimately it is my responsibility to make sure that I do the things that are important.  Not only for myself but for the people I love, and so that I can have a home in heaven someday.  

So, that being said, here is my to do list, i.e., things I need to be working on, things I need to do:

1.  Call Granny (and other family members) at least once every other day...she's not in good health and I want to spend as much time as possible with her before she goes home
2.   Visit my dad's side of the family more often (it's not that I haven't wanted to, it's just a time and location issue)
3.  Form closer bonds with Michael's family
4.  Read the bible every day  (I am trying to make it all the way through by May...So far I'm only on Exodus 12)...yeah, fail.  I did read through psalms, proverbs, song of solomon and Ecclesiastes this summer though
5.  Stay off of facebook.
6. Prayer...I do quite a bit of this on the go, but I need pure, undisturbed, just me and God time....to worship Him and put Him first.  
7.  Lose at least 50 more pounds by May.  and hopefully have met my goal (90 pounds by next Fall), now it may or may not go like this...depending on how my body has decided to cooperate.  I'll tell you, the first 20 pounds have been slower than I thought.  
8.  Stay in touch with new and old friends.


You see, all of these things should not be that difficult right?  Well, when you barely have time to sleep AS IT IS...they are more of a burden than they should be.  

So help me out....how do you guys stay focused on what you need to do and incorporate it into your schedules...

I don't want to let my life pass me by.  School is not the most important thing...God is and people are....so how do I be all that I know I need to be?  How do I...do it all?

Friday, October 8, 2010

Uprooted

Unexpected
Unprepared
Unimaginable

Loss is supposed to be for things unstable...for things like life, jobs, and love
Not this.
Isn't nothing sacred?
Is anything protected?  

Dog-eat-dog world
Isn't that right?
This ain't Knottingham..
No, here we steal from the poor to give to the rich. 

Another pawn knocked out of the way,
That's us.  
Big cannot see the small.
The hurt. The loss. 

And yeah we're alive,
And yeah, we ain't out on the streets,
What harm has been done?
Well, I think you miss the point of living.
You completely miss the point.  
You take when you should give.  

And now, our piece of the pie is gone.  
Built with my Father's hands,
Our little spot, our little land.  

Not ours anymore, but yours.
There are some things you aren't supposed to lose. 
Like your childhood.
Like home.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

"I love my life, I love my life, I love my life"

I try to repeat the phrase in the title over and over again because I know deep down it is true.  I do love my life...I'm just very exhausted.  I do realize that some day all of this exhaustion will pay off, but really....I just need some sleep. 

Anywho, I always update this thing when I'm supposed to be studying...it's a temporary distraction from the impending doom on test day Friday.

In the past 5 weeks, our class has had 4 tests and we have another one this Friday.  It has been so crazy.  Also, we have had countless small groups and case studies and anatomy labs and microbiology and ICM and projects, quizzes and reports and the list goes on and on and on. As if studying for one of the FHT's of medical school wasn't difficult and time consuming enough (freaking hard tests), they have to add more to our plates.  You know, I know I signed onto this...I knew it would be hard, but do we really have to make it harder than necessary?  Come on people.  And yea yea, I know that it's supposed to prepare us for rounds and working in a team environment and making real life correlations between what we are learning but my goodness! 

Ok I am done. Really...I just needed to vent a little bit. This has been one of the most frustrating modules of medical school so far due to the insanely ridiculous schedule and work load.

Now, on to more good stuff.  This past weekend Michael and I went to the Miranda Lambert/Blake Shelton concert on the Redstone Arsenal.  It was my first country music concert, oddly enough, and I got to share it with Michael...it was a nice experience, especially with him.  Then, we went to IHOP...haha...the only restaurant open really late ( well, pretty much) in H'ville.  Saturday was also a nice day spent with him and  my family.  So was Sunday.  I was really blessed this weekend.  I have missed home a lot, especially since I've been so stressed. Oh, my brother, Jonathan was home for a visit which was awesome!  And, I went running with Colton every day of the weekend, which was fun (and difficult!).   I enjoy spending time with both of my brothers.  They are a big part of my life

So now to update on the weight loss situation:
I've lost 12.4 pounds so far (in about 6 weeks).  I had a few weeks where I only lost like 0.8 and 0.2...slowed me down a little bit, but I think I'm back on track.  I had a health issue that prevented me from exercising for about 3 weeks.  Now I'm exercising again and it really helps me.  I'm excited.  I can start to see the change and my pants are getting all loose and stuff.  I just can't wait for more of it to come off of me. I'm really anxious to have this done with.  I know I'll still have to eat right and exercise for a lifetime...it's just the anticipation of the weight loss getting to me.  Maybe I should work on my patience.  I just can't wait to be who I was meant to be.  I feel that this is just another step in that direction.  :) 

Ok, I really should study now. Goodnight all.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

I could really use....

Some guidance...because I'm afraid. Because I just don't know what to do...



The Lord is my shepard,
I shall not want.

He makes me to lie down in green pastures,
He leads me beside still waters

He restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
Because you are with me.
Your rod and your staff.
They comfort me. 

You prepare a table before me,
in the presence of my enemies,
You anoint my head with oil.
My cup overflows

Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life
And, I will dwell within the house of the Lord forever. 

Saturday, August 14, 2010

The music in my heart

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z6AGYjG7rYU

My God is more precious than rubies, more than the finest foods and wines.
He holds onto me when no one else will or can.
He is my safety net when I'm falling.

I need you, Lord.
I know you are with me,
Show me how to feel you near.
You are precious to me, and like a deer who searches for a stream,
I'm searching for you.


Lord, my heart has been broken...
Is it your will? 
I will gladly take this path if it's what you want.


Oh, precious Love,  if only you were tangible.  If only I could feel you near.
Guess I'll have to wait til it's time to enter the gates of your kingdom.
Til then, I will be here...Here am I, send me.  
Send me to do your will.
Make me a new creature. 
Make me better every day
It doesn't matter how it's done, if it's done.
Because I would rather be broken than lost
Because I would rather hurt than hurt others


Show me....I'm waiting for your call.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

You can sleep when you're dead...until then I guess there's caffeine.

Hola, friends and blog readers!  I really should not be writing a blog, I should be studying, but I wanted to update everyone on how things are going.

This Monday I started back to medical school....let me tell you if we thought second year was going to be easier than first year, we were lying to ourselves!  I have been studying NON-STOP since Monday!


So, yea...life has definitely gotten a little more chaotic this week. So far, I have managed to keep up, but I am DOG tired and don't know how long I will be able to keep up this pace, but I will try my best to continue to keep up.  I feel that my grades are so much better if I'm able to follow along on the material and not play catch-up on the weekends. 

Things I'm happy about:
1.  I'm blessed to be furthering my education in a society where the economy is not great at the moment and so many are out of work or searching for better work.  I'm praying for those of whom the opposite is true, btw.
2.  I'm 9 months away from finishing 2nd year, taking boards (Lord, help), and returning home to my family, my fantabulous boyfriend, my friends, and my much needed supports, Central and Sandlin Road (who could ask for better church families?)
3.  I'm another year closer to being an M.D. 
4.  I'm learning a lot and getting a lot of good experiences.
5.  I'm working out every day (except Sunday) and believe me it is a HUGE stress reliever.
6.  I'm blessed far beyond the extent that I deserve.
7.  My loved ones show me support every single day of the week...I don't know what I would do without it.  It's what's important in life...I know this.

Things I'm a little perturbed about:
1.  I have to get up at the butt crack of dawn every day in order to fit in study/workouts into my schedule
2.  I CRAWL into bed somewhere around 11 every night when the summer has had me used to at least 8 hours of snooze time.
3.  I don't have any "Me-Time" which I've come to appreciate very much over the summer. It's amazing how much we take the little things like being able to watch T.V., go for a walk, go out to dinner, go shopping for granted.  But maybe there will be just a smidge of me-time this weekend...even if it's just a few extra hours of sleep
4.  Chaos...I've learned that I have a love/hate relationship with chaos....it drives me crazy but I thrive on it at times.
5.  I constantly fight off the urge to not be overwhelmed!
6.  We have a test every single week of the module!!!

But you know what, I just have to put on my big girl panties and do this!  Just like I did it last year (not always with a great attitude, but I did it), just like I did the year before that and the year before that.

Now...as for the business of losing weight, aka, Weight Watchers update:
I lost 5.8 lbs this week!  I'm more than half-way to my 5% goal after 2 full weeks of dieting.  I guess that people were right, my body just needed to be given some time.  The female body is so hoakey anyway...hormones....ugh. 
Anyway, I'm starting to become really excited, and I hope I can see more pounds shedding off in the future weeks. 
My weigh ins are on Tuesday nights so I pretty much don't eat very much all day so that my weigh-in won't reflect what I have eaten that day.  So...I treat myself to something I want Tuesday nights.  I try not to go over my points for the day, but sometimes I tap into my weekly allowance. 
Working out is really helping me in so many ways...especially with my stress levels, which consequently could prevent me from losing weight. 

Ok, well I guess that's all folks.  I'm going to do what I should be doing now....do I really have to tell you what? ;) Peace.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

I'm told I should ask for wisdom...

If you read Proverbs in the Bible, there is a lot of talk about wisdom...what you should to do to gain it...why you should seek it...why you should ask for it.  Well.  I believe that now is one of those times.  

There are a few difficult situations in my life right now and the lives of some people that I'm closest to that I can't quite seem to get a good grasp of.

I'm finding myself wishing either life was easier or that I would have the wisdom to know what to do...what to say. 

When I try to change these situations...or when I try to help...it seems like things get worse.  Maybe I should just let things be for now...even though they can't stay the same forever.  None of this really makes any sense unless you're me...but thanks for reading this, nonetheless. 


Anywho...on a different note and a somewhat dreary one...I had my first weigh in today...I only lost 0.4 lbs.  This is disappointing...especially since the last time I did weight watchers I lost 5.8 lbs the first week.  I'm not really sure if or what I did wrong, but this week I am adding in workouts to my new healthy endeavor and hopefully it will help.  


So....if you're reading this...I could use some prayers...while my issues really aren't that dire or serious...I'm feeling so unsure of so many things right now so prayers would be appreciated. 

 

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Starting over...

So, I believe that last time I wrote, I had said that I was going to begin Weight Watchers in late June.  Well things haven't exactly worked out like that.  I didn't join in late June due to the financial situation not really being in order like I would have hoped; however:

I Joined Yesterday!!! Yay, go me! 

  I have very mixed feelings but mostly I feel relief that I am finally doing it.  Still
,
It feels as though I'm staring down the barrel of a very long gun.

It's hard not to look at the bigger picture...at the 80-90 pounds I could stand to lose  (although I would be OK with 70).  It seems like it might take 20 years after forever to do this.  But,  I think I will choose to look at this differently...set smaller goals.  For instance, in weight watchers, the first goal is 5% of your weight loss.  Which, for me is 10 lbs.  Then, you have a 10% goal,   which for me is 21 lbs.  Those two seem pretty manageable.  It's when I start thinking about the lifetime goal that I feel a little threatened.  So I won't...I'll take things 10 pounds at a time.  But,

I can't wait to start seeing a difference!  

 I was looking at some old pictures from my early years of high school.  I thought I was so fat!  I wasn't!  I wasn't as thin as many of the other girls but I had a really nice figure.  It's funny how now I wish I was that size again.  
In my adult life, I have never been thin.  I have never been at a healthy weight, and I am really looking forward to having this "burden" so-to-speak off my shoulders.  So, here we go...ready or not...

Here is my before picture:

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

My Vessel here on Earth

I was thinking today that our bodies are the vessels that keep our souls here on earth and allow them to work.

So, what if our vessels are not as good as they should be?  What if our vessels are broken down? 

What got me thinking about this is the fact that I have started back going to the gym this week.  And BOY if I am ever sore!   Before the Gastrointestinal Module began I had been working out at least a few days a week, but it has really been about 2 months since I last worked out.  I always do this.  It is my pattern.  I will go strong for a few days, a few weeks, a few months and then I quit.

Of course there are excuses...

There's the ever popular:  I'm just so busy.   And what about,  I really need to sleep more than I need to workout. How about:  I just don't feel like it today?  I know that at times these are all valid reasons to shun some responsibilities that can be put off for later; however, I am the queen of excuses...especially when it comes to my body.  And, to make things worse...my class is almost completely full of people who do take good care of their bodies...I think this is a big sign pointing to the fact that I need to change and quickly.

It's become a crutch...

My weight, that is.  I find myself telling people, "I've always had a weight problem." It's true that I have, but what is my excuse for still having a weight problem?  The only thing that really makes any sense is a problem that I face in many areas of my life:  lack of will-power, lack of self-control.  This is especially true when it comes to food.  Food has always been there for me....like an old friend.  To comfort me when I'm stressed, upset, and sometimes even just because. 

I am unhappy with this...

I am better than this.  I know I am, and I know how to change.  I've been dieting my whole life.  I have read every book.  I know what works and what doesn't but I always give up.  I always give in.  

Part of me wonders if it is even possible to change?

I have even prayed about it.  I've asked God to create in me a more self-controlled and disciplined person, but maybe it's been inside me all along and I'm supposed to just show it. But, how to deal with my emotions without food?  That's another issue all together.  I want a vice-free life.  I want to be strong enough to shoulder my burdens without food or anything else.  When I say I'm going to do something, I want to be the type of person who does it.  I think I've mastered this concept in every other area of my life except this one.  Why not this one?  I don't think there is anything stopping me but me.  

The simple truth..

I need to lose weight.  I need to do this and not just for aesthetic reasons, but because I have dealt with this my ENTIRE life. Because I need to prove to myself that I am stronger than this.  Because my health my be in danger and my earthly vessel may be compromised someday very soon if I don't.  Also, because I think it is kind of hypocritical of me to try and teach others how to be healthy when I'm not.  

What I'm going to do about it... 
I'm going to join weight watchers.  I have a date and everything.  Two weeks from Today on June 28th is when I will be beginning this journey to a new me.  I have tried weight watchers before, and it worked, but I gave up on it.  With the excuse that, "I didn't have the money anyway."  I shudder to think about the laziness in that statement.  Some things in life are a priority.  I need to make my health one of them for the time being.  I do indeed believe that our souls are far more important than our bodies, but how am I to accomplish everything I need to accomplish in this life if I don't take care of my earthly vessel.  It starts now.  I am also on a real mission to work out at least once a day for 45 minutes to an hour 6 times a week.  SO, I need your prayers as I put this plan into action in the next few weeks. 

Monday, June 7, 2010

Recently

Hello out there Blog world.  I though I should update this thing since I haven't in a while.  I would love to have time to every day.  I'm not the kind of person to always jump on the band wagon, but I can see why so many people do this.  It is very therapeutic.  
So I finished my first year of medical school!  I have never been so happy to finish anything maybe!  Not just because it had become a real struggle and I needed a break but also because I have that assurance that I passed.  That I did it (with God's help of course) and I don't have to look back upon the year with regret.  And you know what, even though I didn't do as well as I would have hoped...I'm not going to look back with regret on this year at all!
It is so nice to have a break.  I won't lie...I feel like that there are maybe only 60 days or so a year that I can live a normal life, and summer is one of them.  I know that someday the kind of pace that I keep up the rest of the 305 days will become normal because it is what I will be used to, but until then...these breaks are definitely what keeps me going.   Even though this past year has taken its toll on me and there are things that I'm dealing with from it....kind of a left-over stress if you will...I'm feeling rested and a little more ready to face the coming days and it has only been 2 weeks since my break began. 
My days have been going a little something like this:  wake up and around 7 or 7:30.  Go downtown to do my research til around 5.  Come home.  Veg out on the couch for another 5 hours or so and then pass out.  :)  I NEVER get to do this during the year.  Don't get me wrong...I plan on adding things into that schedule such as working out and working on some personal projects of mine.  However...I'm in no hurry right now.  There are a lot of things I need to consider right now...and I'm taking my time. 
About Research...I'm REALLY enjoying it.  I'm enjoying it a lot more than I ever thought I would.  I had less than optimal experiences with research in the past so I tried not to get my hopes up in that area.  However, the research that I'm doing now is fascinating.  Here is the really short version of what it's about.  T cells are immune cells in our bodies that help fight off infection.  The HIV virus affects your T-cells causing them to attack your own body  (autoimmune disease).  There are a subset of these T-cells that are supposed to keep your body from attacking itself that are affected by HIV called Tregs (or T-regulatory cells).  I am doing research on the part of the Tregs that are potentially changed by HIV leading to disease. 
I'm sure that most of you will skip right over that last part.  I see most peoples eyes glaze over when I start to talk about anything scientific these days.  It's okay though.  I truly do understand.  This is in part why I have begun watching T.V. because I want to have something else to talk about other than medical school.  Other than Science. 
In other news, I am just having fun hanging out with Michael and doing things with him and my family and my friends.  I look forward to more of that this summer.  This past Sunday, Michael and I went to a Jazz Festival here in Hoover.  We both enjoyed it but need to be more prepared next time because it was SO hot outside.  I enjoyed being with him mostly especially since I always feel that our times together are too brief. 
Lately, my times with Michael have been very educational.  What I mean by this is that I am learning a lot about myself.  I am learning a lot about my imperfections.  What is it about a relationship that brings out the best and worst parts of us?  For instance, my love for Michael prompted me to buy tickets to this Jazz festival because I know he is a huge fan; however, when things didn't go exactly like I thought they would this weekend, I got upset.  Best part:  I love deeply.  Worst part:  I am a perfectionist and am used to getting things my way. 
I have so much to learn.  But, there's no one I would rather learn it with...
I haven't blogged much about Michael, but I would just like to go on record as saying that he is pretty amazing.  In all ways.  And, not just because he puts up with me  but just because he is.  I know that God has big plans for him. 
Anywho, I don't have very much time to continue writing, but I am excited to see the types of things this summer will hold.  More information to come...

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Teach me

Teach me, Father how to deal with this life with more grace.  Give me the wisdom to help others and to know what to say in hard times.  Sometimes I feel so helpless.  Oh hope and belief you are good ideas but you're so hard to come by. So I'll just keep believing in you...looking for you...and maybe I can help someone see it too.  He's faithful to us, but we are so unfaithful to him.  "Lord I believe, but help my unbelief... (Mark 9:24)"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K896uvFHoYY

"Morning by morning,
I wake up to find,
The power and comfort
Of God's hand in mine.
Season by season,
I watch him amazed.
In all of the mystery of his perfect ways.
All I have need of,
His hand will provide,
He's always been faithful to me.
This is my anthem
This is my song.
The theme of the story,
I've heard for so long. 
God has been faithful.  He will be again.
His loving compassion, it knows no end.
All I have need of, His hand will provide.
He's always been faithful to me
-Sarah Groves


 

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Today

Today has been hard.  Today I am aware of my weaknesses.  Today,  I am pulling from nothing it seems.  Part of this is because I'm just exhausted.  I'm having to force myself to keep going.  I think a lot of people feel this way right now. 

But I know I can do it. 

I'm finding that just to keep going I have to keep reminding myself why I am here and what's at stake if I don't keep going.  Should it be that way with something you love?  I don't know, but maybe in this case it is.  Maybe in this case, it's just that hard. 

I've been sitting on my couch for a few hours...

I'm trying to figure out how to get the will to keep pushing myself to do something I would maybe rather have 7 teeth pulled than do.  There are OSCE's to consider and lectures from Friday and Monday and Today (If I'm ambitious) to consider. There's laundry to be done and assignments to be read.  And, I've been sitting here, feeling guilty because I know I'm not doing what I need to do.  I don't mean to sound ungrateful.  I have an opportunity that most people don't get.  I am very grateful, but as I said before, I am tired.  I've been pushing hard for the past 5 years, maybe even longer than that and it is starting to catch up with me.  Every part of me is just crying out to be set free. 
I don't know what this means...

Does it mean that I am better suited to do something else?  Does it mean that I should have chosen something a little bit easier?  I find that I just want to sit.  I just want to sit and do nothing.  I want to watch T.V. and I haven't really cared about watching T.V. in years.  But I can't.  I can't give in to it. 

I find myself becoming pretty depressed because I feel like I just can't balance at all...

I think people that I love and cherish are beginning to not understand why I'm so stressed out.  The thing is...I know they are right.  There really is no point in being too stressed out.  What does it help?  But I am.  And because I am, I feel that in some way I am failing in all the ways that matter.  And, I find myself hoping that I do not appear as self-centered as I feel. But, I think I do.  I find myself nit picking and wanting to be in control in situations where I shouldn't be....in my relationship with Michael, with friends.  Truth is though,  I don't feel in control of anything and that's why it's so upsetting. I am so stressed out that I can't really be there for the people I love in the way that I want to, and this brings even more stress.  Do you ever have those moments where your whole life just feels like conflict? I feel that way now. 

I want to take care of people...

But how to take care of me?  That's a completely different question altogether. 

Precious Jesus, please hold me in your arms right now.
"  Come unto me all you who are burdened and weary and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn for me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls; for my yoke is easy and my burden is light."  - Matthew 11: 30

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Restless

Sometimes I wonder why the desire has been put into my heart to become a doctor.  And, sometimes I also wonder if the idea is from God or if it was my own creation.  I have always tried to follow God's plan for my life, and I have always prayed for the strongest dreams I have...so I presume, if they come true that they are from God, but I digress. 

Keeping me Humble

Maybe this is supposed to keep me humble.  I tell ya, I struggle.  The past year has been difficult and wonderful all at the same time.  I have been at my highest and at my lowest.  I have struggled with knowing who I am in the midst of it all. I have experienced what it is like to go from the top of the ladder to the bottom. I went into medical school with the understanding that it would indeed be a struggle for me, but I guess I didn't understand how hard I would have to continue to fight...mentally, emotionally...in every way.  So, maybe one purpose is to keep me humble....to keep me on my praying knees.  Because let me tell you, I've been on them a lot...especially lately.

Precious Father what is your plan for me in this?  I guess when I got accepted I saw it as an end to a battle I had been fighting for years, but it turns out that the war has just begun.  Would I do something else if I could, no I don't think so.   What's more, I don't think I'm meant to do anything else. 

I guess I'm thinking about these things because lately it's harder for me to make myself keep going.  I'm at that all to familiar crossroads... between fearing failure enough to force myself to keep going, keep studying and just calling it a day.  I realize that every other medical school student out there probably feels this way...I just thought I would write about it today.  It's a difficult thing to comprehend for most people.  Even me.  Why am I miserable but content at the same time?  

Keeping me Genuine...Keeping me Good. 





I think this is another very real reason why I'm here.  God knew that medicine would get to me in my center in my core.  He knew that my heart would be pierced and bleed for the people who will someday be my patients.  I can't explain it.   I don't even know how to try to.  I just know that I'm happiest when it isn't about me...Me, I'm frustrating and too imperfect.  But when it's about others, life becomes something more beautiful. 

Keeping Me Guessing

I can just hear HIM saying, "So you think you have it all figured out?  Guess again..  You thought you were gonna be awesome at this right away...well guess again. Girlfriend, you are giving yourself too much credit." 
I guess this could fall under the humble category too.  Right now everything in my life feels foreign from the things I learn to the place I live to the people that I work with and worship with.  Changes.  Changes all around me, and I try to be comfortable with, but I'm not as strong as I thought.  In fact,  most of the time I'm fighting of homesickness.  Go figure?  I couldn't wait to get here.  Now I can't wait to go back.  I don't understand myself. 

Anywho,   I guess the list could go on, and I continue to hypothesize about the reasons for the biggest and most current frustration in my life a.k.a. med school.  Or, I could do what I'm supposed to be doing...study.  And, that's what I'll do.  Because at the end of the day...this is still my dream even when I don't understand why.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Breaking the Heart of God

I am a fortunate person in many ways... the least of such ways is that I am lucky enough to be a part of 2...no make that 3... church families. This past Sunday, I attended church at the place where I grew up- my home church, Sandlin Road Church of Christ.  It is a precious place with precious people whom I know will always love me no matter what.  Wonderful...

This week we had a guest speaker and he talked about the book of Hosea. Unfortunately, I haven't studied much of the "minor prophets" as they are called.  But, I found his talk on this book to be fascinating and quite sobering.  Hosea tells the story about-you guessed it- a man named Hosea and his love for a woman named Gomer. Like the children of Israel turned away from God in the old testament, so did Gomer turn from Hosea.  The speaker talked about how God's love for His people are paralleled in this book to Hosea's love for Gomer. Hosea's love for Gomer was an unrequited one, for she never understood his love and ran from his love.  Do I understand God's love?  No.  Do I run from God's love?  Probably, yes. 

The way it was explained is that throughout this time there has been this war with God between righteousness and love. God spent his time chasing after a people who did not love him in return.

He's still chasing us. And guess what, I think most of us come very short of returning that love...I know I do. 

Then the LORD said, "Call him Lo-Ammi, [c] for you are not my people, and I am not your God.-Hosea 1:8.


The above verse speaks of the birth of Hosea's and Gomer's son.  God's anger toward the people he created in many places in the bible, and Hosea is no exception.  But, in this very same book:
I will betroth you to me forever;
       I will betroth you in [d] righteousness and justice,
       in [e] love and compassion.

 20 I will betroth you in faithfulness,
       and you will acknowledge the LORD.-Hosea 2:19-20

It seems like God cannot make up His mind in this book.  He wants to destroy them...he doesn't want to destroy them?  What gives?...LOVE GIVES.

You see, this was the whole point of our speaker's lesson on Sunday.  With God, love has always been our saving grace.  And, by reading this book it should be apparent that God wasn't angry at people for breaking the law.  He was angry at them for breaking His heart.  
  
This talk...well, it hit home.  It took me back to all too familiar places.  Places with hurt so deep I chose a long time ago to just try and put it behind me.  A place where feelings were not returned...where acts of love went unnoticed.  Where trust and promises were broken.   Oh, how it hurt.  I felt Betrayed. Broken.  Mis-Understood. Under-estimated. 

Is this what God feels?  It makes me shiver to think that I could make my precious Lord hurt over me....a pathetic excuse for a person at times. My heart breaks at this thought.  It should.  I deserve it.  The sin that I take too lightly too many times is an arrow that pierces the heart of God.  And he feels maybe just like I felt when I was betrayed by someone I once loved.  The difference...HE STILL LOVES ME. 

 How?  I don't understand.  I don't understand because Sunday I realized maybe more than I ever have before that I keep running from God and he keeps chasing me.  I turn to Him and then everything is okay again and then I go back to doing what I did before.  And it continues.  Sin continues. But I am still loved. Lord, thank you for your Grace!  Grace that has a name, Jesus Christ!  I shudder to think about where I would be without it.