When I can't sleep, it is usually because A. I'm too exhausted to sleep (doesn't make much sense but it is true) B. I have too much on my mind.
Which is it tonight? I'll be honest...it's a little bit of both.
Typically, depending on what I have to do the next day, I try my best to just lay in bed and close my eyes and try to will myself to go to sleep.
"Self" I say "You have a big day tomorrow...you know you are not going to be happy in the morning if you don't get some sleep."
Unfortunately, self doesn't always listen :) .
Other times, I'll just stay up and do nothing. This is weird for me. When I have free time, especially late at night, I don't always know what to do with myself. I tend to think too much which adds to the sleeplessness. Tonight, I am thinking a lot. Yes, tonight I have a lot on my mind.
Am I sad? Well, not really. I find myself really content with where I am in life lately, and I think if things had stayed the same, I wouldn't feel the same peace that I feel right now. I think I can best describe it as an unwillingness. It is an unwillingness to feel the things that I feel and to entertain the thoughts that I'm entertaining.
Sometimes I find myself reliving the events of the past year as if I had nothing better to do than just dwell on these things. I think on them and twirl them around in my mind until my head aches. And I ask questions. What could I have done differently? Will I ever feel normal again? Will I get the chance to do things differently or did I waste my chance at love? Will these bad memories ever quit popping up and torturing me? And the list goes on...
I have never been one of those people that thought that there is one person out there that you are meant to be with. I believe that love grows, and I believe that there are many people out there that if the Lord allows it to be so, then it can be.
But doesn't it feel like when you reach a certain age that if you have let love slip out of your grasp that it might never come back? There it is... there's the dilemma. Love might never come back. I might never have new feelings and new memories to replace these old bad ones. There they are right in front of you folks, my fears.
In the course of one year, I have gone from being fairly near being engaged to being broken up to having no contact whatsoever with the person whom I thought would be the person I would marry. And, surprisingly, I am ok. I did the right thing and I did what I had to do for God, for him, and for me.
Most days I am grateful to be out of the situation I was in which was unhealthy to me spiritually, emotionally, and physically. Most days I seek out the comfort that comes from knowing that God has promised me good things. But tonight, in my little room by myself I sit and relive all of the bad memories from the past couple of years. I relive the pain and the tears, and I am upset that I still think about these things. It is almost as if I cannot control the thoughts, they just come.
I am unwilling to feel these things because I want to let my light shine. And, I want to be a good example of how Christ can bring you through any sin and any hurt and how He shepherds us into a recovery period.
Parts of my future are pretty set out ahead of me. In 1 year I will be a doctor and I'll be beginning my residency. I even know that I want to be a Family Medicine physician (that's new too :) ). But, one thing this year has taken out of me that I fight so hard every day to get back is true hope for the future for something I've wanted in my life longer than I've wanted to be a doctor: to love a little family of my own.
I have reached acceptance about what was. Now, the harder part I think is being at peace about the things that may or may not come, and maybe the reason I'm not at peace because I haven't let go of that part of my life yet. But because I am a His child, I know that peace will come if I stay near to Him. That is the other part...staying near to Him when I'm being pulled in a million other different directions.
It's been a long time since I've written in this blog, and as you can see many things have changed, but don't misunderstand...just because they were sad changes, it doesn't mean that they were bad changes. And every day it hurts a little less. And, oh, how I have been blessed this year! So I guess I'll end this blog by saying that if you are reading this, to pray for God to help me through the bad memories and the doubt.